“The 2018 World Chess Championship was as exciting as watching paint dry,” according to one of my students. While this may be too harsh a criticism of the event, there’s a grain of truth to it. Drawn game after drawn game with little in the way of exciting play. I would never fault the players because they were both trying to win their games and drawn games sometimes happen at this level of play, but twelve of them?. Of course the event organizers had a contingency plan for this. However, you’d think the organizers of the world chess championship might of come up with a better way decide the title other than rapid play games. Here are some thoughts regarding how to eliminate a large percentage of drawn games and make the world championship more entertaining (at least for spectators). Spoiler alert: Intense sarcasm ahead!
Alright, there are going to be drawn games so we shouldn’t penalize players for a few drawn games, lets set the limit at three. After that, there would be consequences for drawn games. If both players draw the fourth game they both have to wear clown suits including a large red rubber nose and really big shoes. I can’t see Magnus Carlsen wanting to play game five dressed as a clown. Fabiano Caruana would secretly be awarded a half point every time he was able to reach over and squeeze Carlsen’s big red nose. The clown suits alone would make this one of the most viewed events ever. Now for the fifth drawn game.
Should a fifth game be drawn, we have to apply something much stronger than clown suits to stop the madness. I recommend a seventy year old Nun with a yard stick. Both players will have to put their hands out, palms down and allow the Nun to wack their knuckles twice. Yes, I went to Catholic school back when the Nuns gave you a beating. Both players would have to repeat “I promise I’ll never draw again, never draw again, never drawn again.” Once the severe pain in their Knuckles becomes less intense, play would continue. However, God help both players if game six is a draw!
Now we bring out the nest of angry wasps to hang four feet above the chessboard. Two lip readers and one clairvoyant will be seated within four feet of both players. If either player even mutters the word “draw” to themselves, an arbiter dressed in a beekeeper’s outfit will poke the wasp nest with a stick. If either player even thinks about the word “draw,” the clairvoyant will pick up on this and simply cut the rope holding the wasp nest above the chessboard, sending a few hundred angry wasps flying in all directions. The player who remains at the table and doesn’t run away screaming gets the game point. Of course, everyone except the two players will be wearing protective gear. After all, we wouldn’t want innocent bystanders to get injured.
A drawn game seven calls for some psychological terror and nothing is more horrible than elevator or store music. In case you haven’t been tortured while waiting for a prescription to be filled at the local pharmacy, let me explain why this type of music is so dreadful. Some secret company takes already bland pop tunes and satanically turns them into easy listening music. Basically, they take something awful and make it even worse. If game seven is a draw, both players have to listen to seven hours of elevator music played at an extremely high volume through headphones while looking at pictures of people’s pet cats. As for any additional drawn games?
Dueling pistols! That’s right, dueling pistols at 20 paces. This last one should ensure a stop to any further drawn games. To qualify for the world chess championship, you’d have to not only be a brilliant chess player but marksman as well. Imagine the headlines: World Chess Champion maintains title with a single shot win. Opponent not so lucky.
Of course this is all tongue and cheek, not to be taken seriously. However, I’m sure a few people watching this last world championship match entertained a few less than charming fantasies regarding the dullness of the match. Trying to get more people to watch chess matches online is an uphill battle because, thanks to computer software analysis, we seldom see top players straying away from chess engine recommendations. However, somethings got to give! If you want to promote chess at it’s highest level, make it interesting. Two guys sitting at a chessboard playing a game that neither of them will actually win just doesn’t cut it. Here’s a game to enjoy until next week.
Hugh Patterson
